What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 20:50
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Why do black people prefer thick, curvy women?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
We all went to grammer schools
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
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He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
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So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She loved him until the end.
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My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Would this be the day?
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She married twice! .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
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She wouldn,t have been !
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
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You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Im still living with it.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
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With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I waited trembling.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
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Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
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My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I have no regrets .
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As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But, we were locked up after school.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She was in good health!
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But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Ive learnt so much.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I don,t even have a pension.
Comes on , in middle age.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
It was going to be , some day.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
What did i know ?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I said to her
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Was to survive, this bastard.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But ive been too sick for many years..
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
One cannot live in the past .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I was 9 years of age.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
And i lived it daily.
Put me off passion for life!!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I write beautiful poetry .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
When she asked me how she looked .
She found it foreign!.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
My family never makes their pension either.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I think the readers, may guess!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Who then, do I blame.?
(And it was in our own minds.)
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
We were not on the streets..
I will be 64.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I never cut or harmed myself..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I was scared of men, in general
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I could never make a relationship work though!
He knew the spot.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I was very sick at this time too.
So whats the point in blame.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
This is soul school!.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But it wasn’t much.
I couldn’t, believe it.
All the time i was locked up.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
So, i spoilt her more .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
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We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I was seconnd youngest,
As i do to all so called friends.?
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My life is so biszare .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He resisted the act ,that day.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.